More Confessions of an Introvert
A lot of things have happened in the past few weeks that have put me in a reflecting mood. I've been thinking about myself and the way I think and why I do the things I do. And I keep coming back to the way I'm hardwired...and that I have an internal battery rather than an external one.
This morning on Facebook, I shared a link from a friend called "Five things Everyone Should know about Introverts." I've read articles like these before, where most of what is said I find relatable, but with this particular list, I found everything relatable. Let me just jot down the list and then I'll start rambling.
1. Introverts are not just shy.
2. Introverts are not snobs.
3. Introverts love to be social.
4. Introverts do become envious at the ease in which others can socialize.
5. Introverts are generally very introspective.
I raised my hand with each and every one of these items. I get my energy being alone and get my energy drained being in crowds or in unfamiliar situations or with unfamiliar people. I'm not really shy. I'll talk to people--I'm not afraid of them. And I am not a snob. I may have mentioned this the first time I posted about introverts, but just because I'm not talking doesn't mean I don't wish I was talking and that there was someone there I felt comfortable enough around to really socialize. Because I love socializing. I love hanging out at the Dog House with the people I work with or going to downtown Champaign with Katie or tooling around Iroquois County with Meagan. Those times when you see me being loud and carrying on...it isn't because I'm drunk (although sometimes there is alcohol involved). It's because I feel comfortable enough around those people to let loose. And I can't count on two hands the number of times I've told people how jealous I am of the way they can just walk up to people in bars or events and just strike up a conversation. They make it seem so easy...it just isn't easy for me.
But as I was sitting there, being introspective, it occurred to me that my singleness is directly related to my introvertedness. Throughout the years, I have been the shoulder for many a friend during a break-up. I've been asked for and given countless pieces of dating advice...which has never made any sense to me, since I have never been in a long term relationship. All of the things I say just seem logical to me. I see the way these friends of mine handle the loss of a relationship--how deeply they hurt, the way they carry it, how they move on (if they move on). I really don't understand any of it. The closest thing I've ever had to heartbreak was a long e-mailing relationship that ended badly because he wasn't the same in person as in his e-mails. Even then, though, I don't think I was in love. All of my friends have experienced heartbreak. Maybe I just don't give enough of myself to anyone--or I am scared to--or I don't know how to--or I just never have. It just seems to me that it is far too easy to fall in love but not that easy to stay. There is nothing logical about it, and maybe that is why I have never been able to date anyone long enough to fall in love--the entire concept is illogical and doesn't make sense. I like it when things make sense. I like order, and love is chaos.
Introverts (like me) don't like chaos. They like order. We like being comfortable when we are social, and dating just isn't comfortable. I don't care who you are--first dates stink. And sitting there, being uncomfortable for two or three dates, doesn't give one much motivation to continue this futility. Perhaps that is the wrong attitude; it most definitely is, I'm sure. Unfortunately, I don't see dating getting any more comfortable. I wish we could just skip ahead three months when I've known the guy enough to be semi-myself around him. I mean, there are friends I've known for years that I still tiptoe around in conversation (this is the people pleaser in me...don't want anyone to be unhappy). One day, the poor sap I marry is going to wake up and I'm just going to snap on him, making him reconsider every choice he's made in the last several years...all because my introvertedness won't let me be comfortable around him.
Either that, or I'll scare him away on date #10. It's a crapshoot.
Stay gold!
This morning on Facebook, I shared a link from a friend called "Five things Everyone Should know about Introverts." I've read articles like these before, where most of what is said I find relatable, but with this particular list, I found everything relatable. Let me just jot down the list and then I'll start rambling.
1. Introverts are not just shy.
2. Introverts are not snobs.
3. Introverts love to be social.
4. Introverts do become envious at the ease in which others can socialize.
5. Introverts are generally very introspective.
I raised my hand with each and every one of these items. I get my energy being alone and get my energy drained being in crowds or in unfamiliar situations or with unfamiliar people. I'm not really shy. I'll talk to people--I'm not afraid of them. And I am not a snob. I may have mentioned this the first time I posted about introverts, but just because I'm not talking doesn't mean I don't wish I was talking and that there was someone there I felt comfortable enough around to really socialize. Because I love socializing. I love hanging out at the Dog House with the people I work with or going to downtown Champaign with Katie or tooling around Iroquois County with Meagan. Those times when you see me being loud and carrying on...it isn't because I'm drunk (although sometimes there is alcohol involved). It's because I feel comfortable enough around those people to let loose. And I can't count on two hands the number of times I've told people how jealous I am of the way they can just walk up to people in bars or events and just strike up a conversation. They make it seem so easy...it just isn't easy for me.
But as I was sitting there, being introspective, it occurred to me that my singleness is directly related to my introvertedness. Throughout the years, I have been the shoulder for many a friend during a break-up. I've been asked for and given countless pieces of dating advice...which has never made any sense to me, since I have never been in a long term relationship. All of the things I say just seem logical to me. I see the way these friends of mine handle the loss of a relationship--how deeply they hurt, the way they carry it, how they move on (if they move on). I really don't understand any of it. The closest thing I've ever had to heartbreak was a long e-mailing relationship that ended badly because he wasn't the same in person as in his e-mails. Even then, though, I don't think I was in love. All of my friends have experienced heartbreak. Maybe I just don't give enough of myself to anyone--or I am scared to--or I don't know how to--or I just never have. It just seems to me that it is far too easy to fall in love but not that easy to stay. There is nothing logical about it, and maybe that is why I have never been able to date anyone long enough to fall in love--the entire concept is illogical and doesn't make sense. I like it when things make sense. I like order, and love is chaos.
Introverts (like me) don't like chaos. They like order. We like being comfortable when we are social, and dating just isn't comfortable. I don't care who you are--first dates stink. And sitting there, being uncomfortable for two or three dates, doesn't give one much motivation to continue this futility. Perhaps that is the wrong attitude; it most definitely is, I'm sure. Unfortunately, I don't see dating getting any more comfortable. I wish we could just skip ahead three months when I've known the guy enough to be semi-myself around him. I mean, there are friends I've known for years that I still tiptoe around in conversation (this is the people pleaser in me...don't want anyone to be unhappy). One day, the poor sap I marry is going to wake up and I'm just going to snap on him, making him reconsider every choice he's made in the last several years...all because my introvertedness won't let me be comfortable around him.
Either that, or I'll scare him away on date #10. It's a crapshoot.
Stay gold!
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