Sing your own Special Song

There's been a long thought process a-runnin' through my brain as I thought up and prepared to write this blog post. It started with one awful night of sleep, continued with a revelation, and ended with a song. But I think I'm going to tell the story out of order because that's what will make the most sense to me. And sometimes I just want to be selfish, so here goes.

When I was in middle school, my dad discovered how to download music from the internet, and the song in the above video is one of the songs he downloaded. He's a child of the 60s, and even though he's the least hippie-like person I know, I grew up listening to all that psychedelic music from his youth. This song by Mama Cass of the Mamas and the Papas took on special meaning for me when I was an awkward, gawky teenager. The lyrics are beautiful and really spoke to me. As every middle schooler knows, you never really feel like you fit in--ever. I think that's something everyone can identify with, regardless of when in your life you felt it. And if you've never felt like that, I envy the magical unicorn-rainbow world you grew up and still currently live in.

You see, I've never really fit the mold. I never liked to acknowledge it, but I've always been a little different. A good friend of mine recently put it as "unique," and that's very true. I'm a small-town girl, but I'm also not. I'm not a city-girl, but I also am. I'm a nerd, but sometimes I'm not. I'm not an athlete, but sometime I am. I'm a dabbler--I do a little bit of everything and have a myriad of interests. And sometimes it's really hard to be different. It's hard to not be able to contribute to conversations when the entire room is talking about something. And it's equally hard to be on the other side of things--you really want to talk about something and no one else knows what to say. My timing is terrible, as I usually give my input when the conversation has already passed. If you're feeling slightly depressed reading this, you'll kind of understand how I feel. (Disclaimer, though:  I do not feel like I'm "too good" for anything or anybody or anyplace...just in case your brain was starting to head down that path. Bring it back--I promise that's not where this is going).

However, this is not a sad post--I promise. As I said in the beginning, it was born out of a really awful night of sleep. A couple of weeks ago, I was laying in bed on a Saturday night trying to sleep. That was proving quite difficult, which isn't really a shocker if you know me well at all. It began to get worse when I started thinking about my singleness. I lay there, thinking about how literally all of my friends are in relationships and how I'm 26 and that if I don't find someone now, I probably never will and just on and on in a spiraling tornado of depression. It was BAD. I didn't fall asleep until close to 3 AM, and I probably cried for at least a half hour. Not just cried--sobbed. Hard. Like I said, it was bad. The next morning, I was laying on the couch watching television and scrolling Facebook, still feeling awful, and suddenly it hit me:  I didn't care that I was not in a relationship. It was not actually the thing that was upsetting me. What was actually upsetting me was everyone else--the idea that I should be unhappy because everyone else is in relationships and therefore happy and the only way for me to be happy is to be in a relationship. And I realized that was bullshit. (sorry about the language).

I love 99% of the people in my life, and I know they only mean well and want me to be happy. BUT I AM HAPPY!!!!! I'm making my own kind of music and singing my own special song and even if nobody else sings along, I don't care! Are there days when I wish there was someone special in my life? Absolutely! I'm not choosing to become a nun or anything like that. I'm still looking and hoping and praying that someday, I'll find someone who can handle this unique constellation of attributes (stealing that from a movie). For the first time in my life, I'm comfortable in my own skin. I'm really enjoying the chance to find out who I am and what I want. And I'm putting myself out there in my own way. I'm not closing any doors. If I meet someone online, great. If I meet someone in a bookstore, probably better. If I have an incredibly attractive waiter (that's right, Red Lobster Guy, I'm talking about you), we'll see what happens.

And I wish this for all of you, too! I hope that you're happy and making your own kind of music and living your life the way you want to...because it's your life. And you're the only one who can live it! (Side note:  I feel like this post started in a very dark place and ended in a super-positive one. That's kind of great). (Other side note:  if you haven't noticed, I've discovered free stock photos and I'm loving them).

~Stay gold!